One textbook-like book about the brain and a book about being broke and white in America

The body keeps the score by Bessel Van Der Kolk:

My usual routine is to push myself super hard in life until my body forces me to slow down by feeling sick. Like, I get an actual sinus infection or a bad cold, and so I spend a few days laying low, and then start the cycle again. Anyway, this book is not about that. But it does talk a lot about how our bodies feel things physically when we are emotionally hurting. That's probably not groundbreaking for anyone who works in healthcare. If you are having chronic stomach pains or back pain for no obvious reason, it might be an emotional issue. This book talks about the science of that. I found it really interesting, but also intense and also dense. So I read it on the side for like a month, while I flew through a bunch of other books. I would highly highly recommend this book to anyone who works with people with PTSD, or if you survived trauma during childhood. One thing that really stood out to me is that people with severe recurring trauma during childhood have huge blank spots in their memories. Their brains physically change so they are protected from those memories. So amazing. 

Hillbilly Elegy by J.D. Vance:

This book was a little weird to be reading right in the middle of #Blacklivesmatter and #defundthepolice. It is about poor white people (hillbillies) in Kentucky and Ohio. The author manages to go to law school and make a success of himself, maybe at least partly due to white privilege? That's what it felt like to me as I was reading this and also watching videos on my social media of police beating up peaceful Black protestors. I enjoyed the book for sure, and I will probably watch the movie when it comes out. 

The last of the quarantine reading: Jon and I pretty much have a mini book club now

Because of coronavirus, Jon and I have ended up reading more of the same books than ever. These are two books I normally would not grab. I tend to prefer memoirs and true stories. And of course I am into reading all the popular books that make it into Oprah's and Reese's book clubs. Some friends dropped off a box of books for us a couple weeks ago, and we dove right in:

Breath by Tim Winton: 

I need to start by saying how much Jon and I both were not into the cover art. Very unappealing cover. Anyway, Jon and I both really really loved this book. It is completely about surfing. The sentences felt very calming and meditative somehow, and I was so hooked. Jon felt the same way. Can't wait to read more from this author. 

The Ravine by Paul Quarrington:

I was pretty skeptical about this one due to just reading Life of Hope and not being that into it. The Ravine was so much better for me. The book explores how traumas in childhood can have lasting effects throughout adulthood. So into that. 

Why I am still doing this whole blog thing

1. I just can't write a lot with a pen and paper anymore. I used to keep journals, and I have boxes and boxes of them now. But I don't really write anymore, so my fingers are just more used to typing. I still do keep a journal (well, multiple journals really), but when I want to write a lot, I turn to the laptop

2. I suck at backing things up. It's a little different now that we have the cloud, but I have lost so many pictures and so much writing to crashing computers. I think my age (36) makes me just on the cusp of being someone who completely trusts computers. I definitely don't fully trust. For a few years of my life, all I have of my personal writing and pictures is what is on this blog. And I love looking back at it. I fully write this blog just for me.

3. I never regret it. Sometimes I feel that teeny sense of shame if I am revealing something about myself that is really personal, but then after I feel liberated and as though maybe I will help someone else who is going through what I went through. I am for sure an oversharer in real life, and I just feel compelled to write all this stuff down. And I try to always do what I am compelled to do. A sense of longing to do something feels as important as any motivation to me.

4. I still LOVE following blogs. It's still my absolute favourite form of social media. My true favourite forever and ever is cup of jo. And I also love design mom. And door sixteen. And heart of light. Normally I am so over a blog when the original blogger hires other writers to also write posts. But for some reason cup of jo still works. I just think blogs are a really fun medium.

5. Blogging is so different from what I get paid to do at my job. So I think writing stuff down about my life balances my more serious healthcare job where I maybe don’t get to share my inner self as much. 

6. Blogging feels so minimal. It's a hobby that I don't need anything for. I am not really into accumulating things, so I am less interested in painting or knitting or I dunno, making cakes with fondant icing. I just write on our family laptop and that's it. No clutter. 

 

I am not really good about posting regularly, but I still love writing on this blog.  This is why:

 

A "normal" Covid-19 work day

There is nothing normal happening these days. Like I mentioned before, we spend a few hours a day talking to patients on the phone. We cancel appointments and call in prescriptions and triage emergencies. 

Today was a little different because we were being fit tested for N95 masks. Because our job is one of the riskiest when it comes to Covid-19, we are preparing to return to work with extremely intense PPE (personal protective equipment). So today we were tested and we are approved to work while wearing these masks.



We also went crazy and did the Starbucks drive-thru, which felt like such a treat. It was our first time away from the boys together in over 6 weeks. It felt weird! We are both really eager to go back to work, even though we know our jobs will be completely different for the next year or two until a vaccine is available.

My second year of buying no new clothing

A few months ago I was walking through the mall wearing my usual uggs and skinny jeans and sweater and realized not a single other person was wearing uggs. They fell out of fashion without my even noticing. It might have happened a few years ago! I don’t even really like them, but I don’t really like any boots. So I asked my sister if she would sell me the boots she was wearing because I was going to Ottawa a few days later with my girlfriends and needed boots for walking around. So she did, and now I will be wearing the sperry duck boots for the next 5-10 years until I suddenly realize I need something better. 

So I went to Ottawa and I spent many hours in the Rideau mall. I was completely prepared to break my no new clothes ban if I found something I loved. But nothing really “sparked joy” for me. So I bought a new bra (after my first ever fitting! I was of course wearing the completely wrong size) and a new bathing suit top. 

In May it will be two years since I’ve bought any new clothes. I feel great about it. I learned a lot in my first year. The second year I pretty much just learned that I have plenty of clothes and I really don’t need many more since I'm just wearing jeans and t-shirts over and over. BUT. I still love to go to the secondhand store. I definitely still went once a week (until the Coronavirus), bu t I would often just buy stuff for the boys. 

Buying used clothes for Cohen

Cohen doesn’t have anyone who gives him hand-me-down clothes, so I have to buy him a lot of clothes. And he has strong opinions on what he wants to wear. And he is not interested in going to the clothing store ever. And I want his wardrobe to be exclusively second hand. Sooo I end up buying lots of clothes for him, and then I pass along anything he ends up not being into. He is pretty much only interested in wearing sports pants and athletic tops right now. And then he likes to dress way up with a collared shirt and bow tie once in a while.  

Buying used clothes for me

I am pretty much always looking for jeans. I am super picky about jeans (like everyone), so I have to get really lucky to find a pair I love. My main focus is to find jeans with almost no stretch. Maybe 2% lycra is my max. Once I have perused the jeans, I like to move to the men’s long sleeved t-shirt section. This section has the men’s sweaters as well. It is where I would find a sweet old man cardigan or super plain but high quality t-shirt. I also always look at the men’s jeans because very rarely you will see an actual vintage pair of non stretchy Levi’s. That’s the dream. I also have to check out the blazers and coats in both the men’s and women’s. I can’t get enough of an almost too small blazer. And a men’s woolrich buffalo check coat is another dream. 

After that I will look through the ladies dresses. I am not even sure why I look at the dresses because I have zero reasons to ever wear a dress. And whenever we have an event where a dress is a good option, I will always always choose to wear a blazer and wide legged dress pants. I never learn.

My thoughts for the next year of clothing shopping

I am definitely going to continue my new clothing ban. I might make some exceptions for my sister's wedding weekend in September. And I got paint on one of my two constantly worn grey alternative apparel sweatshirts, so I might order a replacement. I am going to work really hard on not buying used clothing that I won't wear. Even though I have minimized my closet so much, I still find myself with clothes that I have never ever worn. I also need to work on not "saving" clothes. Sometimes I want to save an outfit for a special date in the future. But really, I should just wear all my clothes. A trip to the grocery store is as good an occasion as any to wear something I feel good in. Also, if someone really likes something I wear, I want to give it to them. I think it's way better to pass clothing on to friends who you know like your clothes than to put them in a giveaway box where they really might end up as garbage.