142 days

So Will is 142 days old. The days have flown by of course, but also they have gone slow and been super intense and emotional. It's been about 9 months since our whole ordeal started, and I find myself so not over it. 

(one day old)

I'm not really sure what is normal when it comes to getting over something traumatic. What I know is I think about it every single day. Even though it is the worst thing that Jon and I ever went through, it seems like my brain doesn't want me to forget a single bit of it. So I replay the whole thing over and over, and sometimes I remember some little detail (like something a nurse said) that makes me want to go through the whole over again.

I'm so, so grateful. Will is the absolute best, really a dreamy smiley happy baby. When we go to the store, people come up to us constantly to tell us he is the sweetest baby they have seen. He is so friendly and outgoing. I feel so much joy when I look at him. And there might have been a parallel future without him in it, and that thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't ever want to forget about what happened but I don't want it to define me or Will either. I'm finding that balance.

Will and sleeping lately

Will is over 4 months old now, and he has basically been the dream baby when it comes to sleep. But last week, he officially became too big for the bassinet he had been sleeping in beside me, so we figured we would try him in his crib in his own room which is right beside our room. Well, it's been a mixed bag, but mostly, I am getting no sleep. I think I'm averaging maybe 3-4 hours altogether per night. I've started recording the wake ups, for some reason I can't remember, which just makes it worst. 

Getting no sleep is so hard!! I feel tired at first, but then I feel like my body adjusts to it somewhat. So basically where we are right now is Will does not want me to put him down ever while he is sleeping at night. I did a bit of googling and discovered he is exactly 19 weeks, which puts him in a wonder week/sleep regression which has apparently been documented extensively.

Jon and I also recently listened to a This American Life about how sleep deprivation is so common in the Navy. So crazy what lack of sleep can do to you.

My mom friends and I often talk about how isolating and lonely being a mom of a baby can be, and I think that whole thing is compounded when you are tired. I really am loving spending lots of time with this sweet little face, and also I find it super challenging. I am really lucky because Will is in a good mood most of the day and Cohen is super helpful. I feel for all the tired parents out there.

Will's birth story

This might be a long one...

(in the recovery room minutes after the delivery)

It was Thursday September 21st. Jon and I both work on Thursdays, so we were both working in the morning. I had my 39 week check with the OBGYN that afternoon at 2, then I was supposed to come back for one more patient to finish the day. Mom was driving me to my appt just because she happened to have the rest of the afternoon off. At the appointment, the doctor offered to do a sweep if I was dilated a bit when she checked. I said, yes, definitely. At that point I was feeling pretty large and uncomfortable. The main thing was my feet! They were huge and tight and made wearing shoes kind of the worst. She checked me and said I was 3 cm dilated and did the sweep (not super fun, but only 15 seconds long). She said I would probably feel super crampy and it might induce labour, so maybe I should consider not returning to work. So mom and I went to Winners to walk around and see how I felt so I could decide if I was going back to work. I started feeling pretty crampy, so I called and asked Jon to finish my last patient.

At around 8 pm I started to have some back pain that was pretty intense. Jon and I were watching Nashville, and I had to keep pausing it because the pain was so bad. I really, really didn't want to go to the hospital and be sent back home, so I waited another hour, timing the "contractions." They started to get more frequent, and were happening every four minutes exactly. So I called labour and delivery, and they said I could come in and get some gravol and pain meds even if they sent me home after. At that point I was pretty interested in pain meds, so we called mom to come stay with Cohen, and drove to the hospital.

At the hospital we got a little room and the nurse checked my dilation. This nurse looked like she was maybe 25, and I now know she was brand spanking new. I'm not kidding, when she tried to check me, it took her probably five minutes. She couldn't even find the right...area? It was bad. I jumped when I felt her finger in the wrong area altogether, and asked her why she was doing that. I think she was just super nervous, but really, I don't think anyone wants to be the nurse's first patient ever. So after her fiddling for a long time, she decided I was 4 cm dilated. She gave me a shot of demerol and gravel, and told us she would come check on us in a few hours. She hooked me up to the monitor so they could see the contractions. Within a half hour, I was pacing the tiny room, on all fours when a contraction came, telling Jon there was no way we were leaving this hospital until this baby came.

Around 11 pm the nurse who felt like basically a teenager to me came in again, and checked me. I was 7 cm dilated, so she offered me the hot bath. I was like, sure whatever. Then another nurse came in and was like, nope! You cannot give a bath to someone who is 7 cm. So they just kept checking my dilation and eventually I got to 9.5 cm. They kept saying there was a little lip still, that I needed to get just a little more dilated. I was not a happy camper at this point, and really not loving my teenaged nurse, though another nurse had joined her. So they started massaging the area every time I had a contraction. Not fun. They decided to put in an IV so I could get better pain meds. Naturally the teenaged baby nurse couldn't get the IV after multiple fumbling tries. She was like, ok, I'm going to get another nurse. I was like, NO! Get the best nurse on the floor. Get the one who never misses an IV*. I was not messing around with this child-nurse at this point. So I got my IV and they started giving me a little hit of fentanyl at each contraction. This was amazing. I no longer cared about the child-nurse or the pain. I felt so high. I started talking about my niece Grayce, and our special relationship. I couldn't remember how she was related to me, but I knew I loved her. Jon says I was also really preoccupied with the fact that there were no plants in the room. Soon, the "lip" was gone and I was fully dilated. The child-nurse asked me if I wanted the bar or the stirrups. Umm, I have no idea? She said the bar was good, so I said sure, the bar. I was shocked to see her yank a bar like you would do gymnastics on from under the bed and attach it to the bed above my waist. Then I had to put my feet on it. It was insane, and I'm sure I looked shocked, though I obediently put my feet up. They told me to start pushing when I had a contraction. It felt really weird to be pushing in this tiny room with just these two nurses that were so young! But I was pretty high, so I started pushing. I had been pushing for maybe three contractions when the doctor came in and immediately was like, stop, no more pushing. He was like, there is clearly a problem because we are making no progress and the baby is in distress. He attached a monitor to the baby and gave me some local freezing .

The doctor determined that the baby was facing the wrong way. It made sense then that I had been having contractions only in my back, with no pain at all in my stomach. I could have a c-section or he could try to flip the baby with forceps. He suggested we prep for a c-section, but he would try the forceps once, and if it didn't work, he could immediately do the c-section. I was honestly feeling pretty high at this point, but that sounded good to me. I signed the consent forms, which felt hilarious, because I couldn't even see the papers, I was so high. I couldn't even hold the pen, so the nurse helped me scribble something on the paper. They prepped me for surgery and the child-nurse attempted to place a catheter. It was terrible despite the fact that I was sucking on nitrous while she did it. She couldn't get it (no surprise), and another nurse reminded her the doctor could just do it when I had the spinal block. Omg, I hated her at this point.

They wheeled me in to the operating room and the anesthesiologist gave me a spinal block. Best thing ever. I had been in so much pain, and within seconds it was gone. I think I fell asleep for a second when they did it. From then on, things were so easy! The doctor did the catheter, the episiotomy, the forcep flipping, all while I was chilling, asking the nurses if they knew my aunt (they did, as she is the nurse manager of labour and delivery), making small talk. Then the doctor told me to push, which I obviously couldn't do as I could feel nothing! But I kinda tried, and after a few minutes, our sweet baby was born. This was at 2:55 am on September 22nd. He was so beautiful, and amazing, and crying. Jon cut the cord and the nurses weighed him (7 lbs 12 ounces). They laid him on my chest while the doctor put in the stitches. They wheeled me to recovery where child-nurse was waiting. She took a few pictures (the ones above), which was the best thing she did the whole time. The nurses realized the doctor had taken out my catheter, so I needed another one since a spinal block lasts about 12 hours. The second nurse told child-nurse this was a good chance to get some practice as I was almost asleep and totally frozen. It took her so long to place that catheter. I was frozen, but still, I was so over this nurse**.

This delivery was so much harder than my delivery with Cohen in a lot of ways. It felt really different to be so numb this time. And the healing has been way, way harder. I think it will be a long time until I feel "normal" physically, and I might have to adjust to a new normal. Emotionally, this experience has been great. Jon and I are in a much more solid place with our careers than we were when we had Cohen. We have so much more support this time. I can't believe how many packages and diapers and meals have arrived at our door. When Cohen was born, we didn't know a single person in our town, and had zero support. I am just so, so happy. Our family feels complete.


*Earlier this year I needed an IV and the nurse could not get it. She tried multiple times, then got another nurse, who also tried multiple times and could not get it either. Eventually they had to get a neonatal nurse who does IVs for babies, who was able to get it after a few tries. So I know I am probably the worst patient for placing IVs

** A few people suggested I let hospital staff know about the inexperienced nurse I had, especially the part where she couldn't figure out where she was supposed to be checking my dilation. And I considered it, but like so many things with pregnancy and childbirth, the memory has faded a bit, and I just am so grateful to have a healthy happy little baby. I hope she quickly figures things out and becomes an excellent labour and delivery nurse.

Will is a month old!!

I am clearly so behind on blogging, but I figured I might as well start with right now, and work backwards. This has been the hardest, most emotional, exhausting year of my life. But today, I have this 1-month-old baby boy. He just had his first immunization, he weighs almost ten pounds, and he is healthy and happy. He is just starting to smile a little bit. 

Notes:

- Will hates being swaddled. Cohen loved it, so I keep trying, but so far, nope. Also, he is not into the soother.
- Sleep has been a little rough, but he has given us a few three hour stretches this past week, so I am hoping for better sleep soon. It's weird how you just adjust to lack of sleep. Lots of coffee and carbs for me.
- With Cohen, I was so nervous about him taking a bottle when I went back to work two days a week at 3 months. With Will, I decided to go back at 3 weeks, but for only three hour stretches. So he has been taking a bottle for a few weeks, and it is no big deal. He has no problem drinking from the very first bottle we tried.
- I am breastfeeding, which has been super easy just like with Cohen. I know I am lucky. I am also pumping every few days so Cohen and Jon can feed him sometimes. He eats a lot!
- I'll be working three hours a week for the next month or so, then increasing to eight hours a week for a few more months. I only worked one shift so far, but I loved being back with my coworkers.
- Cohen is amazing with his little brother. He hands me wipes during diaper changes, and loves to give Will kisses.
- I could not be happier. Jon and I are feeling really blessed these days.

Cohen's 37th flight

(above the clouds over Halifax) 

(watching Mickey) 

(fast asleep)

I may have missed a few flights, but Cohen has been on at least 37. He has never been out of the country, and only to Toronto three times. Most of those flights are from NL to NB or NS. He is seriously good at traveling. He absolutely loves going to the airport and getting on flights, so he is always in the best mood when we are there. 

Our travel routine:

- We live two hours from the airport, so we either try to drive when he will have a nap or when he is fresh and awake and happy. He gets to watch shows in the back and we always get coffee and fries on our way out of town. 

- In airports, there is usually a kids area and always a water fountain and a huge window to watch airplanes, so basically the best entertainment ever. We let him run around a lot in airports to try to get him a little tired. We slacked on hand sanitizer and hand washing this last trip, so Cohen ended up getting sick when we got home. Those airport play areas are probably so dirty!

- For the past 6 months or so we have let him bring his own backpack, which he/we pack with his beloved teddy bear, his Mickey mouse, the iPad, his headphones, and a dinky or two. My bag is always stocked with as many snacks as I can. Gluten-free pretzels, yogurt-covered raisins, clementines, apples, dried banana slices, etc. Due to allergies, we are a little limited with airport food. Jon brings the "dad pack" filled with jackets, sweatshirts, etc. And we always bring a few stainless steel water bottles to fill up after security. 

- On the flight he has to wait until the seatbelt sign goes off before he can wear headphones. This has been hard in the past, but at 2.5 years old, he seems to get it. He usually falls asleep on at least one flight in the day, so we always have a sweater or scarf to cover him up. 

The past few trips have been actually relaxing for Jon and I. I couldn't say that a year ago. We get magazines and actually read them. We even had a beer on the plane while Cohen was asleep on Christmas Eve. So awesome. We have a few trips planned so his flight count will definitely hit 40 before he is three. And we are hoping to do an international trip in 2016. Maybe Ireland? 

Two years old!!!

Like every mom ever, I am totally shocked that Cohen is going to be two next week. It's hard to imagine him ever being a teeny tiny six pound baby. He was so tiny, but in my mind, he has always had the strong personality that he does now. 

I definitely want to remember that he loves to sing these days. He sings "wheels on the bus", 'itsy bitsy spider", "old macdonald had a farm." He sings them so clearly, and with actions. He also loves playing the harmonica to Great Big Sea songs. He always requests the radio and "rock and roll music."

Right now, he talks so much that I really have no idea what he is about to say. He used to just repeat things we said, but now he will come over and request that we go get hamburgers or go on a plane. He loves to say "not too bad" when he eats anything. What a compliment to the chef. He loves to say "run really fast down the hill." It's weird, but he says that sentence over and over, all the time.

He loves to do everything, "all by myself." He wants to put his shoes on, get dressed, fasten his seatbelt, climb into the car all by himself. Usually we are cool with that, but it does mean that we need to plan for at least 45 min to get from his bedroom to the car.

He's very shy, quiet, reserved in front of people he doesn't know. It takes a while for him to warm up to anyone. He likes to be silly, but only the few people who spent a lot of time with him see that side of him. When we are out and about he often says, "This is so much fun!" on repeat. We love that.

Favourite book: Tough, since he loves so many. Probably Hooray for Thomas.
Favourite foods: Popsicles, crackers, chicken, burgers, fries, toast, yogurt
Favourite toy: He still loves the ride-on toy his sitter got him for his first birthday. He also loves his school bus and his dinky cars. Of course, his teddy bear is so much more than a toy. He loves his teddy bear so much, and would not sleep without him.
Sleep schedule: He goes to be around 7:30 or 8 and wakes up at 6:30 or so. Has a 1-2 hour nap at noon. He has been sleeping great lately.
Favourite activity: Biking. We try to take him biking at least a few times a week. He also loves bath time and just lazing around, playing with his dinky cars. And he is obsessed with watching cartoons when we let him, which is probably a half hour every other day.

He amazes Jon and I all the time. Sometimes he will grab a book, come sit beside us, and flip the pages and recite the entire book to us. He has such a great memory. He is getting more affectionate with us lately. Sometimes he will be riding his trike, and he will come over to me and say "kiss before I go," then give me a little kiss before he races off down the hall. We are seriously so proud to be his parents.

Canada Day in Halifax

Oh man. We just got back last night from an amazing (almost) weeklong trip to Halifax, then Fredericton. Here are a few pics from Canada day. Here in NL, Canada day is not a big thing, partly because it is also the day that we remember the Newfoundlanders who were killed in battle. So we were happy to be celebrating in Halifax, where it felt like the whole entire city came out in their red and white. 

After we found breakfast, we stumbled into the parade lining up. We watched from Citadel Hill, though Cohen was definitely more interested in the dogs with their owners than the actual parade.

We checked out a dog show at the Commons. We were staying only a few minute walk from the commons, so we were able to go back and forth from our condo to the festivities throughout the day. Good with an extremely introverted toddler.

The splash pad in Halifax is pretty sad. They definitely need an upgrade. Though the kids were loving it. Our little dude liked it as long as no other kids came anywhere near him. The first time he got accidentally shoved by a little sweet girl, he was out.

We had lunch at the Moustache. After being around a million kids for the morning, Cohen was so happy to be sitting in a safe little booth at the restaurant. He threw back an entire huge hamburger (sans bun) for a joke.

Running around the public gardens. Cohen loved the pigeons. He really wanted to pet one.

While I ran in to do a little shopping at American Apparel, my boys chilled outside the library and waited out the rain.

After a long day out and about, we decided to rent bikes from the waterfront and bike home. I'm sure one of Cohen's favorite parts of the whole trip was when the girl at the bike shop told him he could choose between the stars and stripes helmet and the flower helmet. He loves helmets.

Such a great Canada day. I think a new family tradition was born.

On the weekend: Cohen's first concert

Cohen and I were on our own for the whole weekend while J took a bachelor trip to Boston (PS: It seems like these days, a bachelor/bachelorette party is not enough. It has to be a trip. I kind of love it in that you get to see friends you haven't seen for a while. And for Jon and I, who live on a rock away from everyone, a trip makes sense for us. Still, it's kinda crazy, right?). Although I have taken a few trips away from my boys, this is the first time for Jon. 

(He's got something to say) 

(Do I ever love that guy) 

(At the playground. Looking mean in his hoodie/jean jacket combo) 

(He just doesn't get bathroom selfies. Yellow and blue for a Splash n Boots concert) 

(waiting for the show to start) 

(he wanted to pose with these Treehouse media things) 

(Apres concert)

Since I knew Jon would be gone, I decided to go ahead and book tickets for Cohen's first concert. I got lots of advice from other moms, who told me to definitely, absolutely get VIP tix so you can sit closer. I heard stories of how being too far from the stage= bored toddler= total waste of money because you have to leave early after a tantrum. So I sprung for the VIP section, and Cohen and I found ourselves in the third row, with barely a kid around us. It was pretty much empty. So when the show started, they told everyone they could move up to the empty seats. Whatev. You live and learn. 

We sat by a 5-year-old girl who slipped me a note that said "I love you'r tshirt." She wrote it in yellow, cuz that's the only color she had, though she had brought about 100 sheets of white paper in her little purse. She also had an American Girl doll dressed exactly like her, right down to the high heels. But anyways. I pulled out my pack of 4 crayons, and her and Cohen coloured for a while. When the show started, Cohen was smiling so hard, I had to fight back tears. So sweet and earnest. He loved clapping, but his little introverted heart couldn't handle too much dancing in the aisles. He would just come and lean on me and smile up at me. Maybe to a stranger it wouldn't look like he was having a good time, but for this momma, it was absolutely the best. 

At right around the one hour mark, Cohen started pointing to the door and pulling my hand. I was like, dude, do you wanna leave? He was like, yes. So I let him pull me all the way out and all the way to our car. Money well spent, seriously. 

Lately...

(a bit of puddle jumping)

(we went for our first ice cream of summer only to find out our only ice cream shop is closed forever!) 

(family selfie) 

(biking all the time) 

(taking the dude swimming at the hotel/tanning parlor/gym/crappy pool) 

(checking out the diggers near our house) 

(sliding) 

(haircut! Last one here)

We have been busy in that good way were we just spend a lot of time together and not a lot of time with our phones or computers. We are still having relatively cold days, but we put on lots of layers and go for bike rides and hang out at the park. A few people have commented on our bike seat for Cohen, concerned that it doesn't seem safe to have a kid on your bike. We are definitely the only people in our town who do it, but I have never ever felt unsafe. Jon and I are used to biking around downtown Halifax. And Cohen LOVES it. And then yesterday Cohen was walking down the street and tripped and face planted into the curb. He has a huge bruise on his forehead. So I am thinking all things are dangerous. Walking, biking, etc. 

In other news: I was super sad to find out that our only ice cream shop is closed, which means we have a 1.5 hour drive to get ice cream. The reason the owners told us they decided to close: it was too much work. So there you go. I want to find a teenager to drive one of those ice cream bikes (dicky dee? I think that's what they were called). 

Also, Cohen's hair was getting a little out-of-control, so we dropped into a barber shop, and they started chopping. A few minutes in, Cohen started crying. He was trying to fight it, but he was just super overwhelmed. We kept talking to him and he calmed down after a few minutes and  a few deep breaths. I can't describe how proud I was of him in that moment. He totally wanted to end the haircut, but he somehow forced himself to suck it up and sit through the last 5 minutes. In that same vein, whenever Cohen falls or hurts himself, Jon and I say, "shake it off dude, you're ok!" And so now whenever he hurts himself he starts shaking his hands like he's doing this little dance. 

On the weekend and dining at fancy restaurants with a 2-year old...

This chilly and rainy weekend we decided to drive an hour to a little town called Trinity for supper and to stay the night at a fancy hotel. We also did lots of walking and "family dates."

(I let Cohen play at these water grates for 45 min at a time. There is no traffic where we live, plus, I am right there beside him) 

(walking around Trinity on this windy day) 

(throwing rocks in the ocean) 

(hiking to supper) 

(testing out the luggage wagon)

We had been wanting to check out this fancy-ish hotel for a while. We heard the food was good. When I called, they explained that supper was 5 courses with no choices. Jon and I felt bold, and decided to try it with Cohen. I ordered a plain chicken breast for Cohen (since every single other thing they served had stuff he was allergic to), and Jon and I brought all our reinforcements (toys, snacks, iPad). By the time the first little course came (a tiny salmon cake on a silver spoon), Cohen was pretty much over the whole sitting in the high chair thing. We eat out at least once a week with him, but it's usually at a pub or family restaurant where he can drive his cars all over the table and run around a bit while we wait for our one single course of food. So this was different. And what did we do? We turned on the iPad to his favorite show, and let him watch the show for the rest of the meal. It worked perfectly, though the waitress seemed maybe just a little judgmental about it. 

Jon and I are usually pretty strict about how much screen time the dude gets, so this was a total treat for him. And I don't regret it at all. Jon and I enjoyed our four more courses in peace, got to chat about life and This American Life podcasts, while Cohen was safely right beside us. Other times we have taken a really fancy/expensive meal to-go to eat in our hotel room, but there is something nice about eating in the actual restaurant.

I am curious about what other parents do when they want to eat at a fancier restaurant. Always get a babysitter? Skip these kinds of restaurants for a few years? Bring the iPad? iPhone? Or maybe some two-year-olds are just content to eat and sit quietly for 1.5 hours? 

An update on Cohen's wheat-free, nut-free, egg-free, dairy-free diet

We have been dealing with eczema and allergies for a while now, but things are starting to look up! We haven't had any Benadryl situations for a while, and those sweet cheeks are looking much better these days. 

(3 months old-perfect skin!) 

(5 months old- red cheeks) 

(6 months old-super red cheeks) 

(18 months old- not too bad)

(currently, 22 months old-just a teeny bit red)

Just a little reminder of how we ended up with such a restricted diet for our little guy: